Cap’n Eric for Kids

Back when I first served aboard the Lady Joane Glory, I was enamoured with an absolutely wonderful little piece called The Storybook Beowulf by Rathflaed DuNoir. To this day, it’s one of my most requested pieces. Go read it and be ready to laugh. A lot. When you come back, you can read this piece, which I wrote in honour of our ship’s captain, in the same style.

Cap’n Eric “Ship-sinker” for Kids
by Katherine Ashewode, “The Pocket Bard”
December 2003

See Eric. See Eric sail. Sail, Eric, sail. Eric is sailing the Lady Joane Glory through the Knowne Worlde. Eric likes to sail. Eric likes to drink even more. Drink, Eric, drink. Eric is nearly out of grog. Poor Eric.

Eric is also nearly out of money. Poor Eric. Some of Eric’s crew want to take money from peasants. But Eric does not want this, because hurting peasants is mean. Instead, Eric has an idea. He will find someone rich and fight their enemies. Then, Eric will get paid and have lots of money for grog. Drink, Eric, drink.

See Balfar. He is big and strong and powerful. He is king of the Eastrealm. Ooh, Balfar, ooh! But Balfar is sad. Sad, sad, sad. Ealdormerans are hurting his peasants. Poor peasants. They want Balfar to protect them.

See Eric. He has come to the Eastrealm to visit Balfar. When Eric gets to Balfar’s court, Balfar tells him about the Ealdormerans who are hurting his peasants. Eric vows to Balfar that he will protect the Eastern peasants from the Ealdormerans. Vow, Eric, vow. He swears he will punish the wrongdoers. He promises to bring back the heads of the Ealdormeran looters. Good luck, Eric.

See the crew of the Lady Joane Glory. They are very quiet. Are they praying? No, they are not praying. Are they meditating? No, they are not meditating. Are they waiting in an elaborate ambush for the Ealdormerans who have attacked the Eastern peasants? No, they are unconscious. They have drunk all their grog. Won’t they be happy when they wake up and Eric tells them about his promise to Balfar? Won’t they be pleased to know they are protecting Eastern peasants? Won’t they feel grand that they have a quest? No, they will not feel grand for a while. They have no more grog. Poor crew.

See Xiphius. They are Ealdormeran fencers. They are sneaky and mean. They have been hurting the Eastern peasants. Poor peasants. Xiphius does not know that Eric is coming to protect the peasants. Poor Xiphius.

See Eric. He is sailing to the border of Ealdormere. Sail, Eric, sail! When he gets to the border, he sees Xiphius hurting the Eastern peasants. This makes him mad. Mad, mad, mad. He is so mad that he fires cannons at Xiphius and makes them run away. Run, Xiphius run! Xiphius cannot hurt the Eastern peasants anymore.

See the peasants. They are laughing and singing and playing. Are they happy that Eric is protecting them? Yes, they are happy that Eric is protecting them. Are they happy that they can laugh and sing and play again? Yes, they are happy that they can laugh and sing and play again. They are so happy that they give Eric more grog. Drink, Eric, drink. They also give Eric presents for Balfar. Good peasants.

See Xiphius. They are sad. Sad, sad, sad. Eric has killed many of their friends and saved the Eastern peasants. Now Xiphius can’t attack them anymore. This makes them mad. Mad, mad, mad. They are so mad that they decide to sneak onto Eric’s ship and steal his grog and presents.

Eric is being very quiet. Is he hiding from Xiphius? No, he is not hiding from Xiphius. Is he hiding from Balfar? Yes, he is hiding from Balfar. Balfar does not know that Xiphius has stolen Eric’s presents. When Balfar finds out, he is very mad. Mad, mad, mad. He tells Eric that Ealdormere must be punished. He commands Eric to build a great wall. Command, Balfar, command!

See Eric. He has gone back to the border of Ealdormere to build the great wall. Build, Eric, build. Eric is very good at building. Eric wants Balfar to know how good he is at building. So Eric sends Balfar messages telling him about the great wall. Eric sends many messages. Poor Balfar.

See the crew. They are happy. Happy, happy, happy. Are they happy that they are building the wall? Yes, they are happy that they are building the wall. Are they happy that the peasants are safe? Yes, they are happy that the peasants are safe. But most of all, they are happy that there is more grog. Drink, crew, drink.

When the wall is finished, Eric sails back to the Eastrealm to visit Balfar. Sail, Eric, sail! Eric goes in front of the whole court and tells them that he has finished building the wall. He reads them some of his messages. He tells them how happy he is that Balfar commanded him to build the wall, because now the peasants are safe. And Balfar swears never to do anything so silly again. Swear, Balfar, swear.

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