To understand this song, you really should read the intro and lyrics to I Hope that We Reach the Event Site Today first. After I’d written this song about being hopelessly lost due to bad directions and horrible weather, people insisted that I perform it in court. So I did. When I was finished, His Excellency Havres des Glaces looked at me and asked, “Do you know who wrote those ‘stupid directions’?” I told him I did not. “Me,” he said. I foolishly opened my mouth and said, “Well, Your Excellency, perhaps this is one of those tasks you might choose to delegate.”

So he made me cartographer of his barony. No good deed goes unpunished, as they say. One of my first tasks as royal cartographer was to write a song with completely unambiguous directors for the next event. Here it is.

by Katherine Ashewode, “The Pocket Bard”
sung to the tune of “The Mingulay Boat Song”
March 2005

Heading east, boys, to the feast, boys,
Hope you find it with these directions.
Heading west, boys, here’s the test, boys,
Find your way home from Havres des Glaces.

Heading northbound on the 40,
Exit 80 will get you nowhere.
Turn around now, heading southbound,
Then you realize it heads east-west.


Take the exit, plain and simple,
It’s the one where the cows are grazing,
Never mind that it’s December,
They will be there on April first.


Keep on going past the red house,
All the timbers are bright as crimson,
But look well, you, forgot to tell you,
Since last autumn, it’s painted blue.


We’ll put signs up at the turnoff,
Big and bold and as plain as daylight,
So we brought them but forgot them,
You will see them on your way back.


Now you’re fed up, made your head up,
To stop for gas and to ask directions.
But your worries turn to fury,
‘Cause the gasman speaks only French.



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