The Many Deaths of Petru

At the 2007 Fall Harvest event of L’Ile du Dragon Dormant, my home group, we had a fighting tournament. Over the course of the tourney, one man stood out from the rest. Not because he was the strongest, or bravest, or fastest, but because he had the most entertaining deaths. You’ve gotta watch what you do around bards. You might find yourself the subject of their next piece. Helpful footnotes are provided at the bottom of the poem.

The Many Deaths of Petru
by Lady Katherine Ashewode, “The Pocket Bard”
In commemoration of events at Fall Harvest, IDD
November 2007

I came to fight a tournament
A fine November day,
To win some coin and gain renown
By fighting in the fray.

I grabbed my shield and raised my sword
To greet the ladies fair, (1)
But when I entered in the lists,
I found myself… par terre.

Lord Edmund stood across the field
The marshal yelled, “lay on!”
Before my sword was halfway flown,
I found my head was gone.

I stood to fight the second round,
He stabbed me through the chest.
The third time I was set for sure…
My helmet lost its crest. (2)

Lord Edmund left and now I knew
I’d have a second chance.
(At least I wasn’t Tigger’s lord,
Who took it in the pants.) (3)

But no! I fell and fell again,
My head was on the ground, (4)
I even failed to take the wealth
Within our Baron’s crown. (5)

But still I have a victory,
A comfort for my head,
As I was falling to the floor…
I killed the marshal dead! (6)

Helpful footnotes:
1. As his lady was not at the event, Petru chose to fight for all the unattached ladies in attendance.

2. Petru and Eddy had 3 bouts. In each, Eddy managed to kill Petru in one hit, before Petru even had a chance to get in a strike of his own. I nearly wrote this poem about that match, and it would have been called “Eddy, the One-Hit Wonder.”

3. When Eddy fought Angus, the eventual winner of the tournament, he accidentally hit him in the “unmentionables.”

4. One particularly momentous death involved Petru falling into and then sliding down the wall, a feat Freya has named “Death by Wall.”

5. Another time, when Petru died, he crawled on his knees to Baron Pellandres and raised his hands in supplication… and at the very last minute, grabbed Pellandres’ coronet and fell to the ground with it.

6. In my favourite death of the day, Petru managed to whack the marshal (Baron Conrad) as he fell down dead. Conrad fell down after him. It was glorious.

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