The Wild Eastman Spam

This is one of my most popular pieces. I wrote it at an archery competition we were having here in the Barony of the Island of the Sleeping Dragon, in a little town called Eastman. In addition to all the regular archery shoots you’d expect, we also had a “simulated wild game” shoot. Now, instead of hunting down small woodland creatures, the competition organizers found — don’t ask me how — gallon tins of spam that the archers could shoot instead. One of the archers came back to us eager spectators and told us, “Be very, very quiet. We’re hunting wild spam.” Well, that was good enough for me, and I turned it into this song the next morning. You can watch me perform it here.

The Wild Eastman Spam
by Katherine Ashewode , “The Pocket Bard”
To the tune of “The Ladies of the SCA…”
Written September 2006

When you’re in a noble barony where sleeping dragons lie,
If you’re there for a visit or you’re only passing by,
You’d better keep a lookout for the pirates and their scams,
And you’d best be on your guard against the Wild Eastman Spam.

Now you often see their babies when you’re shopping in the store,
They seem so sweet and innocent on shelves or on the floor,
But do not be deceived by all those tiny tins of ham…
‘Cause they’re nothing in comparison to Wild Eastman Spam.

The Wild Spam stays hidden when it’s living in the wood,
You’ll never even see it there unless your eye is good,
You think that you’re alone amidst the tatters and the yams,
But you’re really the next target of the Wild Eastman Spam.

Before you know what hit you, the Spam is at your back,
Snarling and hissing and leaping in your tracks,
The Wild Spam is vicious, so run now while you can,
Or you’ll find yourself the dinner of the Wild Eastman Spam!

You grab your bow and arrows, you grab your axe and mace,
But the Wild Spam has vanished in the woods without a trace,
So go and slink back home again as meekly as a lamb,
And be thankful for the narrow miss with Wild Eastman Spam.

So now you know the lesson, I need not say again,
If you find yourself in Eastman in the land of dragon’s men,
You’d better bring your running shoes in case you have to scram
From a mighty vicious rabid pack of Wild Eastman Spam!

[optional: break into Monty Python’s Spam song]

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